I can't wait for the break; to stay with Master and be at his beck and call, in the way I haven't been able to while I've been studying.
I'm anxious because staying in him will mean either lying to my parents about my whereabouts or finally having the "I'm an adult, I can sleep over at my boyfriend's house whenever I want" confrontation. I dread both options. I hate to ruin my golden child status and to contribute unecassarily to their anxiety levels.
A huge part of this dilemma stems from trying to convince myself that I am an adult. I've been living away from home for 5 years, I make my own decisions--for the most part, good decisions, I'm financially responsible for myself, I'm on the verge of starting a career. Legally, logically, I'm an adult...it's just sometimes hard for the lost, little girl in me to come to terms with.
On the night of my last exam, I got annoyed--not angry, not tearful--just frustrated, when Master mentioned hypothetical plans of travelling without me in future summers. First and foremost, mention of all the fun, exciting things that I've never experienced and that I may never be able to experience because I am working or studying, antagonizes me to no end. On top of that, I thought he meant he wanted to travel with his friends instead of travelling with me (I later discovered he meant in addition to, and on seperate ocassions), so I got cranky. And when he didn't notice, or maybe refused to respond to my irritability, I grew even crankier.
It was such a small episode, and it could have completely passed without mention, but the scenario spurred a couple of realizations which are worth mentioning:
1. I can't help but be jealous of so many of my friends and peers--of Master--who have already travelled, seen amazing sites, experienced new and wonderful things, and have so many fond memories and fascinating stories. I wish I had more time to explore the world; to have fun.
I also can't help but look at the older generation of people I know, who define themselves by their careers and pour so much of themselves into work, that they never find the time or oppurtunity to enjoy life.
I want so much of the first part--of the new experiences, of the excitement of discovering what life can mean--and I dread, so greatly, this self-imposed slavery to work and drudgery.
I want a strike a delicate balance. I want to find meaning in my career, I want to love what I do...and I really do think I am entering a field that will bring me this fulfillment. I just don't want it to lead to structured, meticulously planned and boring life.
The key here, lies in a recentering of my values. Yes, I will be working in a busy job but I chose this path, and need to reconcile with myself that I may miss inevitably miss out on some experiences--but this is okay, if I am happy overall. I also need to realize that jsut because a job is busy doesn't mean that I won't still have time for vacations, and family, and friends and myself...I just need to make time for all of these things.
Most of all I shouldn't get pissed off at Master for wanting to live a good, well-rounded life. I shouldn't be jealous of oppurtunities that I'm afraid I won't get, I should be looking to, instead, create these oppurtunities and look forward to the bright aspects of the future.
2. Master's off-handed vacation remark spurred me to contemplate my ideals on maintaining identity within the context of couplehood...so I shall jot them down.
Couples need to spend time together. They need to grow in comfort so that they can do the ordinary, necassary activities of daily living, however, they also need to do fun, adventurous things to continue to build joy and enthusiasm to strengthen the relationship. I've noticed that older, long-term couples that don't travel, or event go out once in a while, are very dry...they have nothing to say to each other, there is no sense of novelty or passion in their relationship anymore. They seem to stay together for sheer comfort and companionship as opposed to relishing in the excitement of new discoveries or out of a legitimate enjoyment of their partner's company. For this reason, I do think it is important to spend time together in new experiences that create layers within a relationship and give you new things to talk and reminisce about.
I also believe in the convergence of lives and social circles, so that couples don't isolate themselves from society. I think that each partner should know the other's friends and family and be comfortable with them. We should be adaptable to each other's social circles, be able to go to other's events to support each other, and to meet new people and have an evolving social life.
That being said, while we need to have time together to get know each other better, and while we need integrate our lives...we also need time to explore our own ideas, hobbies, interests and our external friendships. I don't want to be closer or as close to Master's friends then he is, and while I want him to get along with my friends, I also value my girl-time. I've noticed that couples who do not have an outside social network tend to be less happy with each other and less fulfilled; their lives seem replete of excitement because they are over-exposed to each other. When there is no outlet, no space apart, it's hard to renew your appreciation for the person who is constantly invading your space.
Once again, it's all about balance. When I expressed my dissapointment about his travelling comment, Master said something like "'That's what a lot of women do; they stop their guys from doing anything they want." But that legitimately isn't the reason I was upset...I don't want to stifle him.
I don't believe in eroding another's identity. I don't think that's what a relationship should be. I think couples should complement each other, and bring out the best in each other. That's quite idealistic from me--a skeptic who scoffs that the idea of happily-ever-afters and starry-eyed bliss--but I think that major relationship pitfalls can be avoided when couples nurture each other's individuality. After all, if it's that individuality--that charming, quirky personality--that drew one to the other in the first place, what magic is possibly left when one robs the other of this fundamental component of attraction?
Anyway, I'm not entirely sure if this entry makes sense...it's late and I'm tired. I have a random workshop on domestic abuse tomorrow...should be interesting; I'm already certain that our relationship is devoid of any red flags.