In the beginning, when I was shy and unsure and would slip-up a lot, Master wouldn’t hesitate to immediately slap or otherwise punish me. In retrospect, I can see how strictness is necessary in the initial stages of training, but at the time, I resented it. I was unsure about him. I didn’t like being corrected, especially when I didn’t think I was wrong. I remember that sometimes after hitting me, he would hold my hand afterwards and I would want to get away from him. We were solemn. I followed his commands, because this was in theory what I wanted. However, I was obeying orders detachedly. Maybe it was because I felt like he was giving them out detachedly.
One day, I was giggly around him for no apparent reason. It takes a lot for me to let down my guard, to show people I might be less serious than I seem. He told me to stop being silly. He made me massage his feet at the foot of his bed, told me not to speak and wouldn’t even look at me when I looked up at him. I can’t do this, I thought at the time, there is no joy here. He got mad at me later, “You are slipping up too much; you are forgetting your role. You aren’t taking me seriously,” he told me before and after he punished me. I remember being upset. I don’t want to always be serious, I thought, to be living in rituals and begrudging servitude, to continue being shy and unsure like I am now.
Everything has changed so much. So much, that it hurts me to think of the doubt at the beginning, to realize how scared I must have been that I couldn’t see the wonderful man I see right now.
I’m not scared of Master anymore. I’m scared that he’ll be upset with me, that he’ll get tired of me. I’m scared of negative reactions for things I do, or forget to do. I know he can punish me and hurt me, and I fear this. But I do not fear him as a person. Now, I obey him for completely different reasons than I did at the beginning--because I respect and care for him. In him, I am finding the companionship and laughter and friendship and balance that I lacked and badly needed.
Now, if he were to hurt me, out of correction or simply for his pleasure, I would want more than anything to crawl into his arms afterwards. I don't want to run away. I don't and can’t resent him, not now that I see that he so good for me. Ironically, these days, he is not so quick to slap me or really hurt me. Sometimes I wonder why. Perhaps it is because he recognizes my need to please him. Perhaps he realizes that my slip-ups come from moments of humanity and forgetfulness and not from disrespect or a desire to test him. Perhaps it is because he has come to care for me in the same way I have for him; past that superficial level of exploring something new and interesting. Perhaps he is just less frustrated and agressive now that we are having sex. Perhaps, he come to like me not just because I am submissive, but because of who I am in conjunction with the submission.
Whatever the reasons, I love how things have changed.
I can’t believe I once thought of my relationship with him as joyless, when these days, I am happier than I have ever been before.