My birthday weekend was filled with lovely surprises. I tried to keep it as low-key as possible but the important people in my life insisted on celebrating my existence. In the end, however, the festivities made me very happy. Since I feel like birthdays are a celebration of the previous year, I was ultimately glad for chance to acknowledge and commemorate that the epic age of twenty-one was coming to a close. Twenty-one was a year of lofty heights and maddening lows. It was a time of dramatic firsts, and quite possibly a few lasts; it felt like the entire adolescence that I didn’t get to experience crammed into a year.
I was staying with my parents for the weekend but was free on Thursday night, so Master invited me to stay over at his place. It fascinates that he often tells me to come on Thursday nights, just so I can spend another night in his bed. It fascinates me because while neither of us sleep on that first night and he is forced to go to work groggy and tired, he continues to extend the invitation. It's completely worth it for me, since I usually sleep in on the Friday...but it makes me feel warm and fuzzy that the lack of sleep is a worthwhile trade-off for him, to have his slave at arm's reach.
On Friday, I decided to go to have lunch with old colleagues and friends. Master has previously told me that when spending the day at his place, I can leave and return freely, but I cannot remove my collar and cuffs without permission. Before I went out, I texted him at work, but he didn’t respond. So I donned jeans and a cardigan and a scarf, so I could cover them up without having to break his rules. I had plans on Friday evening, so I actually didn’t see him when he came home from work, but I tidied his apartment for him before I went out.
On Saturday, he took me out for a nice dinner and gave me a beautiful bracelet. I, predictably, cried. I'm not materialistic; my affection cannot usually be bought with shiny, pretty things, but because Master has long won over my affections, it was a sweet gesture. The bracelet itself was very lovely but I cried because the rationale behind the object itself was that I could have something I could continuously wear to mark his ownership of me.
I don’t usually wear jewelry since I tend to fidget with it...but the bracelet's smooth, silver links encircle my wrist and sit so gently against the skin, that they feel natural. They aren't heavy or irritating but have enough weight and substance that they serve as a perfect, constant reminder of Master. I love how the silver glints against my honeyed skin, how I can wear it in public and be met with nice comments (a sharp contrast to flak spurred by wearing my collar around friends) and be reminded that I am always his, even when I am not with him.
At dinner, we got a little bit tipsy and he said something like “I like how you folded my underwear again, you always do such a good job of cleaning up”. The butterflies fluttered in my stomach. I love to please him. I don’t expect him to notice the little things, like my tidying up after him, but I love that he does. I love how he sometimes thanks me, even though he doesn’t have to. It really makes me feel appreciated, valued.
We went back to his place afterwards and just hung out for a little while. We were lying in bed, when he told me to suck his cock. Last weekend, I learned how to give him a proper blowjob. He was pleased that I had finally learned and told me that if I subsequently performed poorly and he had to instruct me, that I would be beaten. So on this Saturday night, I went down on him, thinking I had a good strategy in place. However, after twenty minutes of sucking and doing everything I had been taught to do, I still couldn’t make him come.
Finally, he instructed me to stop and lie down beside him. I was just feeling and looking, terribly upset. Without my telling him, he knew that I was disappointed in myself. I want to be able to please him and if I can’t, I feel just awful. I don’t like the idea of him being upset with me. But he explained to me that sometimes he just lasts a long time, and sometimes he just breathes deeply to control ejaculation to give me more practice. It fascinates me though, that I require consolation from him because my happiness has become intrinsically tied to his pleasure. It is crazy how I have come to feel good when I know that he is comfortable and pleased.
He told me, however, that I was a good girl because although I am occasionally forgetful, I never purposely disobey him . It’s true. I mean, I’ve been pretty good from the beginning but initially I was quite resistant to his ideas…to his methods. He was quite strict at the beginning, and I was scared because I didn’t think I could deal with such a regimented lifestyle. I kept going along with it because Master looked really good on paper, and he was, in theory, what I was looking for. However, I was terrified because I was seeing the rituals of the dom/sub dynamic that I thought I had always wanted, without really seeing the man, the personality under the dominant role. In an ideal world, in a fantasy world, I always saw myself submitting to someone I had already come to care for and really respect. In contrast, I was in a position where I was trying to convince myself that I cared for and respected him, even though I didn’t know him well enough to know for sure.
However, as time went on, and I started to legitimately see his personality I decided that I wanted to do more than just obey commands, I actually wanted to serve him. And since then, I have had no desire whatsoever to disobey. I’ve been forgetful sometimes, yes, but I feel awful for it. I really don’t want him to be mad at me and would never antagonize him purposely.
On Sunday evening, he met my parents. It went well and first impressions were positive all around. It’s a giant relief for me that now my parents have some idea of who I’m dating and think well of Master. I feel like they have been worrying about me, which I hate. Life is stressful enough; I don’t want to be a source of anxiety for anyone, especially when I am perfectly fine. I think my parents got to see that I am safe and happy in my relationship with Master; they thought he was generally a nice person, so I’m very pleased with how that turned out.
After dinner with my parents, I went back to Master’s place to wait for my friends to pick me up to take me out. Master and I were in such a goofy mood. We spent an hour just tickle-fighting, making funny faces and doing impressions, hiding and trying to scare each other and being completely ridiculous. It's amazing because even when we act like this, I always feel a sense of being owned. I know I am his. At the same time though, I need this. I need humanity. I need silliness. I need softness and tenderness too.
I actually started to really care for Master the day before I left for summer holiday. We went on a funny, haphazard walk in the forest, and had gelato and he threw me into his pool while I was wearing a dress. Since I can't really swim well, we played around and I kicked and squirmed, and he saved me drowning. It was the first time that I really got that sense of fun and mischief from him. It was the first time where I actually saw that this relationship is not just about commands and obedience, ritual and rules; it is about a dynamic. It is about my constant submission to him, his constant Mastery over me. And this dynamic exists in whatever we do. It doesn’t mean that I have to grovel at his feet twenty-four hours a day; that I am to be used an abused; to be reduced to solely a plaything at all times. It means that I just have to acknowledge his power over me, and while he can exert it in any way he wishes it does not necassarily have to be in a traditional on-my-knees-serving-him sort of way.
I realized then, that we could both have personalities, both have fun, both be ourselves, just complementing each other in our dominance and submission. Since then, more little gestures, and words, and events have just solidified this idea in my mind. I completely love our dynamic. I just can’t believe how lucky I am to get exactly what I was I looking for; to find someone so amazing, and just so good for me. To find someone who is so wonderful, that I actually really admire, and respect and thoroughly adore him.
Anyway, I am sick and pretty achy, tired and stressed out right now, but writing this entry has made me feel pretty happy, so I’m going to go to bed now, while my heart is light.