Tuesday, January 6, 2009


On New Year's Eve, we hung out at my parent's house but by dinner time, I was getting inexplicably drowsy and cranky. As a result, I was short with my parents and my brothers. Because they are used to my antics, no one protested, but as he led me into the kitchen, Master squeezed my arm. "Behave yourself," he told me softly.

Initially, I was annoyed. I was tired, this was my family and if no one else had noticed, who was he to tell me I was being too snippy? I made a snarky comment, and he subtly gripped my arm, and raised his eyebrow and told me to behave again. Then, he put his arm around me and kissed my head, and lead me to the table. Something about the mixture of his command and that gentleness, that understanding, woke me up a little and made me feel ashamed of my behaviour.

I didn't want to be cranky, and hurt other people's feelings. I didn't want to be annoying. I just wanted everyone to be happy. I also appreciated that Master also wanted to keep things that way. So, at his prompting, I livened up a bit and tried to behave.

One of my biggest fears about our relationship is that I am entering a new career, where the next few years will be busy, sleepless, and emotionally exhausting. I am worried that despite my love for him, stress will spur me to be selfish and needy, and I don't want to drain him him with my emotional fatigue.

I can only hope that Master will continue to be patient with me, and be a calming force in my life. I hope that he will continue to remind me when I am being illogical and silly and stepping out of line. I need him to support me, to not ask me for the impossible, but simply to remind me to behave and be a good girl, so that we don't have to waste life being unecassarily upset or distraught. So that we can continue to enjoy being together in the way that we do now.

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