Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Thoughts

I love him. I love that he loves me. I love that his love for me deters him from wanting to hurt me.

For this reason, I'm afraid to admit to him that I sometimes want him to hurt me, that I want him to still be firm with me, to have expectations of me, to punish me if I slip up. I am afraid to tell him that I welcome discipline, sometimes crave it. I am afraid to admit it, because I think that if he does start hurting me, if he starts wanting to hurt or punish me, it will be the marker that he no longer loves me in the same way he does now. I want him to to use me, to keep me in my place...but at the same time, I don't want to lose this sense of love.

Recently, I have been pushing boundaries. Sometimes he'll tell me to do something, and I'll whine or take a long time to do it. I'll move under him when he's fucking me, and even when he commands me to be still, I don't restrain my need. At times, I ask to go to the bathroom and I just assume the answer will be yes, and start to go before he gives me his reply. Sometimes he'll gesture for me to kneel, but I won't feel like it, so if he isn't really paying attention I'll just sit on the ground. They are little things. I am afraid to admit them because I don't want him to think that I am acting out because I desire constant strictness, or rituals, or seriousness.

I don't want high protocols; I like what we have, I like that we can talk and laugh and play. I like his flexibility. But overall, I do want him to keep me in line. I don't want to forget my boundaries. I don't want lines of basic respect to be lost. I think we work very well in our dynamic and I'd like to maintain that. I don't want him to let me get away so much with little things, that it turns into me not feeling very submissive to him, or him not feeling in control of me.

I think the challenge, however, is that although I want to preserve the dynamic, although I want him to challenge me and demand things from me, I still want to feel treasured. I still want his compassion, and most of all, I never want him to stop loving me the way he does now.

1 comment:

Avy said...

i'm in the same boat you're in! Well just further along. It got that way before we married and i think moreso now that we have a baby. He's just not good at being hard on me like he used to because of all the years and apparently I've been "so good & important" to him that he doesn't feel right punishing me. Of course rough sex doesn't count so there's still that. I still have duties, just never any punishment.