Thursday, August 14, 2008

Clicking my Heels

After a long period of limited communication with Master, I had the opportunity to speak with him last night; a massive relief!

While he has been giving me assignments, there has been virtually no opportunity for feedback upon completion of the tasks, making me exceedingly anxious, since my foremost concern is to know if he is satisfied and happy with his little girl’s efforts. It has been wildly lonely to not know what he is thinking.

The best I’ve been doing to feel close to him is reviewing the past—replaying moments together in my head, re-reading texts and emails from him— and thinking of the future. However, these thoughts have all been tainted by the uncertainty of his current feelings. I would hope that he hadn’t forgotten me, that he was happy with me, and still wanted to be with me as much as I wanted to be with him.

So, when we finally spoke, I was predictably very emotional when he told me of how much thought of me over his trip, told me that I had been a good girl (for the most part) and that he was happy with his slave.

Despite my joy, however, I managed to let my sleep-deprivation and emotionally-straining workdays get to me; when he gave me a new task, instead of accepting it readily, I resisted, questioned him, and asked him to postpone the tasks. He told me that I was pushing my luck—which I acknowledged but without desisting—and we warned me that if I was with him, he would by punishing me severely. In the moment where he began to express his disapproval, I already began to regret my words. I had pined for so long for Master’s approbation, to hear pretty words and to feel a happy connection with him, and now this: after finally getting to talk to him, I was upsetting him!

However, before I could try to explain myself, he told me that in light of everything that was going on, he would chalk up my insolence to my not having slept in a few days and sadness from not being with him, and thus would forgive my bad behaviour. I was overcome by his understanding and kept apologizing for my silliness. He told me there was no need to; all was well, he wasn’t mad at me and that instead of worrying, I should go to bed, rest, and feel happy. After I thanked him and was about to leave, he told me to “stop crying... you are more mine since you left than when you were here.”

He’s right.

I feel so wanted right now and even though it is hard to be apart for a few more weeks I do feel re-connected with him, and thus, immensely happy.

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