Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Drinking from Foxgloves

The other night, I shared a hotel room with four people I didn't know very well, so to pass the time, we decided to do something completely awkward and unbalanced: psychoanalyze each other’s personalities. Those who understand anything about body language and personality cannot resist this game, even at the risk of making others uncomfortable and causing people to turn on each other.

However, when it came down to me, the others said exactly what I expected: “You seem like a warm, fun girl, which compels people to try to befriend you. But once they attempt to know you, they realize that you have very restrictive boundaries and won’t let people in.”

It’s true. With most people, I stick to very superficial topics of conversation. I’ll make jokes, be silly, encourage mischief, and we’ll have fun…but that’s it. We won’t keep in touch, we won’t stay friends. I tend to have many acquaintances; people with whom I can eat, study, travel, go to the bar or party (because it often isn’t socially acceptable to do things by yourself)…but who ultimately know nothing about me. Many end up telling me their stories and secrets because I am willing to listen to and reflect with them, but I won’t reveal anything about myself. I choose the people I want in my life selectively, and those few tend to know everything. But that level of friendship takes either time, or occasionally, an intuitive sense of trust in a person.

Master was one of those people that I intuitively felt that I could trust, but being so guarded, wasn’t sure that I wanted to. I told myself I’d give the Dom-sub dynamic a trial run, I would try my best at being submissive to see if I liked it but I would disassociate myself from what was happening and tell myself none of it was special or what I was ultimately looking for. I didn’t want to get emotionally attached because I wanted the option of walking away unscathed if the arrangement became too inconvenient.

For a long time, I didn’t see anything but a small fling coming out of it; I couldn’t see it lasting for summer, let alone wrapping my head around the possibility of a long-term relationship. Even at the point where we had sex, I told myself I’d do it because it was too idealistic to wait for love before sex, and that if the situation was safe and comfortable—as it had become—then I wouldn’t regret it in the grand scheme of things. However, this feeling of safety and comfort became paradoxical for me. Despite all my justifications that I didn’t need any of this and that I was not necessarily a submissive girl, nothing about being with Master felt wrong. In fact, everything felt smooth, normal, even pleasant.

The last day I spent with Master before he left, however, transcended the generalized contentment that comes from a sense of comfort. That day epitomized my ideal dating situation: fun and happy, feeling owned but at the same time, cherished. For the first time, I didn’t just feel fine, I felt joyous, giddy, bursting from the seams with happy energy. After that point, I was forced to examine why prior to this nothing had felt so amazing.

It took going away--and the reflection accompanied by a change of pace--to realize the only reason I hadn’t been happy was because I wasn’t allowing myself to be happy. In theory, everything I’d ever hoped for was happening, but instead of embracing it, I was sabotaging it and throwing dark shades over the rose-coloured light that would otherwise perfuse the events that have come to pass.

It took being away from Master to confront myself. Now, I am at the point where I truly want to be Master’s and my desire to obey stems from the need to be with him and make a relationship work; not out of a desire to play silly mind-games. Master might not be aware of the thought process behind the change of heart, but he knows that because something within me has changed, we can now transition to a new level.

In acknowledging this growth, Master has been talking of—and I have been gladly accepting—upping my training when I return, increasing my pain tolerance so that he can beat me thoroughly, deepening my servitude and intensifying his sexual usage of my body. Because I have purged my self-inflicted poison from my mind, I’m fine with these things and do wish to please him better. However, I still manage to frighten myself because my best memories are when Master is tender and gentle with me, and while I want to feel owned, small, helpless, I ultimately wish to be treasured and cared for. Before our first date, Master said to me: “I want to take care of you…if only you allow me to.”

I think about that all the time.

I have finally reached the point where I want to entrust myself to Master. It is frightening that reaching this level has been met predominantly with talk of challenges—of beatings and increased training—without explicitly vocalizing the other end of it: a reminder to me, of his desire to take care of me. However, when I spoke to Master last night, he said something so beautiful that just encapsulated everything I needed to hear and reminded me of why I want to be his. I read the lines over and over and thought of them as he gave me permission to touch myself:

“I only want to beat and whip you so that at the end of it, you will collapse into my arms, and say “I am still yours Master”. That would be the ultimate. But I don’t think I would enjoy beating you so much…I hate it when you cry. I treasure you too much to treat you badly.”

This was everything I needed to hear. No one can be selfless. I have learned enough about Master to know that I want to be with him, and be a good slave and companion for him. However, I likewise need both a Master and a companion. I need a lover, a teacher, a friend, a boyfriend…and I can only give him what he needs, if he is also willing to be there for me. We are moving towards a new beginning. We need time for this relationship to grow and develop and see what this dynamic turns into.

Like all relationships, it is impossible to foresee what the future holds for us, but in dismissing my poisonous thoughts and being able to at least fathom a future, I can finally be happy and serve Master. I finally see that this could be something wonderful and I’m eager for the next stage to begin; for continued explorations with a more open and willing frame of mind.

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