Sunday, August 31, 2008

Home

I am suddenly distressed about sex.

Everything else about the reunion with Master yesterday was so good. I was afraid that I had wasted so much time missing him, and pining over him, and putting him on a pedestal, that actually seeing again would be anticlimatic. I was worried that all these supposed feelings might not manifest themselves when I finally saw him again. I think maybe Master was worried about the same thing, but it's harder to tell, as he masks vulnerability through joking, and sarcasm.

But either way, despite the nerves, everything was good. There was none of that awkwardness that sometimes occurs when two people haven't seen each other in a long time. We talked, and he showed me pictures of his trip, and he took me on his new scooter, we joked, we laughed, we played around in the pool, he held me and kissed me and I felt so glad to be back.

But when it came to sex, I was actually a mess. When Master entered me for the first time that night, I felt nothing but pain. This had never been an issue in the past. Despite being soaking wet with my own fluid, the pain was deep and heavy and constant--stemming not from mechanical force or friction--but rather surging and gurgling in my abdomen and spreading into my chest, strangling my breath. It was one of the strangest, most uncomfortable sensations I’ve ever experienced. It was all the more shocking because it was so unexpected.

The second time he had sex with me that evening, it was immeasurably worse. It was so painful that I felt so scared and weak and vulnerable, that I just started sobbing and sobbing and couldn't stop. I cried on and off as he drove me home, and cried more at home.

Sex has suddenly become very confusing. Because I was really trying to detatch myself from Master before, I tried to think less of sex as this mystical thing and more as an action; a natural act, a normal progression. If it didn't feel amazingly great, I just chalked that up to needing more practise...especially if Master seemed to be fine. But now, I'm remembering all the emotional reasons for which I have avoided sex and wanted to keep avoiding it.

Despite having convinced myself that it was all very normal, I do in fact feel very open and exposed. I've been in complete denial for the last two months that I'd even had sex. It's really hard for me...I basically went from no experience...to suddenly being diving into a relationship that is heavily based around sexuality.

And I know that this relationship extends to more than just sexuality, like any relationship it is also about getting know someone and about companionship, but because this is a somewhat recent acknowledgement, it's still hard. I'm dissapointed in myself for not knowing myself well enough. And I'm dissapointed in myself for weeping as if Master had intentionally hurt me although he has been nothing but good and supportive to me, for worrying Master, for getting frustrated with external situations when it really does seem like all the problems are just coming from my own head.

I don't know if I'm taking a step backward right now, but I think I'm realizing that I can't lie to myself. If something is difficult for me, I need to acknowedge it immediately, instead of pretending it is not an issue and then panicking when two months later, I finally realize how emotionally strained I am.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

sorry to tell you hon, but painful sex is not because of emotions. You need to ask a gyno about it. People call in to loveline all the time http://www.lovelineshow.com/
complaining about painful sex and it is usually a muscle convulsion that can be treated. Don't feel like there is more going on than necessary. hope this helps.
talgot from new_subs_n_doms on lj

bluebell930 said...

(I hope this makes sense and doesn't sound odd - I'm a bit under the weather and haven't slept)

I think its definitely possible that you tensed up because of emotions. I don't trust others easily and if I put myself in a more vulnerable position with someone whom I'm not ready to let-in figuratively and/or am not 100% sure I want to have sex with them, sex has been painful, even if I'm wet. At least you recognize your emotional strain now.

I've enjoyed reading your blog (I found it through LiveJournal). You have a lovely writing style. We are the same age and - I think you mentioned this - its nice to read someone's blog who is transitioning from BDSM fantasy to reality starting out with a more experienced dom. I am still talking to my potential dom, though.

Anyway, I hope you are able to work things out. Take care-

his_new_pet said...

Hey Talgot and Bluebell,

Thanks for your responses! Both of you are right: dypareunia (painful sex) can be a physiological problem and can be treated with kegel exercises and muscle relaxation techniques. Thanks for the input Talgot. :)

Fortunately, for me, this was not my issue...but rather some emotional issues and a tendency to be overly anxious.

To Bluebell:
Thanks so much for your comment too. Nice to have someone my age reading, and going through similar stuff.

Things moved pretty quickly with me and Master (at least I felt they were quick)...he was probably not happy with having to wait months for sex, lol....but I think that especially if this is your first D/s type relationship...go slow. A good Dom will wait for you and ease you in. :)

Thanks for your support, I hope you come back.