I am suddenly distressed about sex.
Everything else about the reunion with Master yesterday was so good. I was afraid that I had wasted so much time missing him, and pining over him, and putting him on a pedestal, that actually seeing again would be anticlimatic. I was worried that all these supposed feelings might not manifest themselves when I finally saw him again. I think maybe Master was worried about the same thing, but it's harder to tell, as he masks vulnerability through joking, and sarcasm.
But either way, despite the nerves, everything was good. There was none of that awkwardness that sometimes occurs when two people haven't seen each other in a long time. We talked, and he showed me pictures of his trip, and he took me on his new scooter, we joked, we laughed, we played around in the pool, he held me and kissed me and I felt so glad to be back.
But when it came to sex, I was actually a mess. When Master entered me for the first time that night, I felt nothing but pain. This had never been an issue in the past. Despite being soaking wet with my own fluid, the pain was deep and heavy and constant--stemming not from mechanical force or friction--but rather surging and gurgling in my abdomen and spreading into my chest, strangling my breath. It was one of the strangest, most uncomfortable sensations I’ve ever experienced. It was all the more shocking because it was so unexpected.
The second time he had sex with me that evening, it was immeasurably worse. It was so painful that I felt so scared and weak and vulnerable, that I just started sobbing and sobbing and couldn't stop. I cried on and off as he drove me home, and cried more at home.
Sex has suddenly become very confusing. Because I was really trying to detatch myself from Master before, I tried to think less of sex as this mystical thing and more as an action; a natural act, a normal progression. If it didn't feel amazingly great, I just chalked that up to needing more practise...especially if Master seemed to be fine. But now, I'm remembering all the emotional reasons for which I have avoided sex and wanted to keep avoiding it.
Despite having convinced myself that it was all very normal, I do in fact feel very open and exposed. I've been in complete denial for the last two months that I'd even had sex. It's really hard for me...I basically went from no experience...to suddenly being diving into a relationship that is heavily based around sexuality.
And I know that this relationship extends to more than just sexuality, like any relationship it is also about getting know someone and about companionship, but because this is a somewhat recent acknowledgement, it's still hard. I'm dissapointed in myself for not knowing myself well enough. And I'm dissapointed in myself for weeping as if Master had intentionally hurt me although he has been nothing but good and supportive to me, for worrying Master, for getting frustrated with external situations when it really does seem like all the problems are just coming from my own head.
I don't know if I'm taking a step backward right now, but I think I'm realizing that I can't lie to myself. If something is difficult for me, I need to acknowedge it immediately, instead of pretending it is not an issue and then panicking when two months later, I finally realize how emotionally strained I am.