Saturday, September 13, 2008

Mirror, Sword and Shield


Later that night, Master and I went out with one of his friends, which was practice for me acting submissive in public. Master and I have already discussed how this may be a challenge for me. But I didn’t eat until Master gave me a nod, and told me to eat freely, and I didn’t touch my drink unless Master tapped the glass or told me it was okay to. I answered questions, but waited for him to talk. He told me I did well, except for a moment where he tried to show his friend my breasts (in my dress) and I got shy, and curled away. He told me that my body belonged to him, and if he wanted to show me off that I must never refuse. I guess I can handle that...I mean it’s not like he pulled my breasts out in public and told everyone to have a feel. These are just things I have to get used to and I know I will.

On Saturday, Master and I had a bit of a lazy day. We didn’t sleep too well the night before, so the day consisted of showering, going to the mall, getting groceries, naptime, going swimming, watching tv, studying. It doesn’t sound so special but I mention these activities of daily living because I am really enthralled that D/s is compatible with normal life. I know that may sound absolutely ludicrous but when you live with fantasies saturated with bondage, and beatings, and all the usual s&m stuff, it’s really nice to know that being a submissive doesn’t mean I’ll be tied to a whipping post twenty-four hours a day; and that there can still be norlmacy and cuteness, and silliness integrated into a normal life with submissive undertones. Other things from that day: we had sex in Master’s car in an underground parking garage. That was pretty hot—I straddled him in the driver’s seat and we made-out. Then we moved to the backseat but had to leave the doors open because there really wasn’t enough space; and then he climbed on top of me, squishing my arms close to my head. Another car parked behind us towards the end, and that made it all the more exciting. Master realized before I even did that I am quite the exhibitionist. Contradictory to last week’s sex fiasco, I actually found myself badly craving sex this weekend. Later on in the day, I was playing with Master's cock in bed and pressing my body against his. He asked me if I was in heat and wanted to be fucked, and I had to admit it, because I wanted him in me so badly. So he told me to beg. And so I begged; kissing his neck, running my hands over his chest and stomach, playing with his cock and thrusting my pelvis against him, I felt like such a dirty girl.

He then told me that he would only fuck me if I offered my ass to him for a beating. So I fetched the cane, and leaned over and he snapped the dense wood across my ass until I groaned, and he gave me permission to get a condom. At first, he told me to get on top on him, and do all the work; so I slid onto him and pumped up and down, while he closed his eyes. Then, without warning, he grabbed me and pulled me down, and mounted me. “Get back to where you belong”, he told me in his low, serious voice as he encircled my wrists and held them above my head, and fucked me hard. Then, he clapped for me to get on all fours and we moved to the floor. Then he pushed my head down, so my cheek was against the ground and my ass raised to the air, and fucked me hard from behind, while rhythmically slapping me.

I really like that position; it’s quite vulnerable and I can feel Master getting much deeper. It makes me feel so dirty too…in a good way. I really like the mixture of roughness and tenderness of him on top, but doggy-style makes me feel like his plaything, his little whore. On Sunday, Master had to leave in the morning, and of course I got all upset since he hadn’t told me he was going to go so early. I understood why he had to leave and I wanted to be supportive… but once again, I was selfishly annoyed that he hadn’t told me yesterday so that I could have timed an earlier bus home, or made plans to visit friends, or do something where I wasn’t being left alone when I didn't want to be alone. But what was I to say? I didn't want to upset him and I knew he had to go, so I kissed him goodbye, and I made his lunches and cleaned up his apartment. I started to write this journal--I'm supposed to journal immediately after seeing him--but I was kind of pissed and didn't want to taint what was otherwise, a really good I thought it was better to wait. When I went to catch my bus but it was full, and I couldn’t get on, so I wandered around downtown for a few hours until the next bus. I was alternating between being frustrated, but then just feeling bad for being bitter because I ultimately don’t want to have any hard feelings against Master, especially for stupid little things, when I know he cares about me and has done a lot for me.

Now, I’m struggling through this week. Once upon a time, I used to have such good control of my life and I was so happy because I had meaning and goals, and lots of things to keep me occupied. I was working, and studying, and volunteering, running councils and events, playing sports, working out, doing all my artsy stuff. In retrospect, it was overkill because I was managing relationships through highly formalized scheduling, and I wasn’t sleeping at all. However, I was really, really happy because at the end of it, I was still doing everything I wanted to do. Right now, I’m just doing the bare minimum to get by…but I think I need to get back to that baseline satisfaction with life, because I think it’s going to have a big impact on my submission to Master. Right now, I feel like I’m not really good at anything; all my talents, interests and hobbies have sort of just withered and died within the last year. On top of that, I feel like I’m not really a good submissive yet, and I think the recent lack of sense-of-self is precluding me from growing in my submission, since I don't want slavery to be the only thing that defines me. In general, I think I really need to get back to finding purpose and meaning, since self-confidence and security are really going to help me in this relationship, prevent me from getting so emotional and taking everything so personally.

Wow, I didn’t realize all of that until I started writing.

Anyway, this journal was supposed to be really happy because I had an amazing weekend with Master. I’m not sure if that’s actually the feel you get from reading it, just because I tend to write more about things that are bothering me, even if they are just a small fraction of the things that are happy and good. Anyway, only a few more days until I see Master again! I’m off to organize my life.

1 comment:

bluebell930 said...

I replied to your comment, but basically I would love to keep in touch although I am not sure what the best way to go about it is.

I definitely hear you about doing too much. I had to stop doing things due to being chronically ill and I felt like I had no identity besides my illness. Now that I'm fine, I'm able to regain who I was. its hard to maintain some sort of balance because I keep trying to overload myself.

I'm starting to ramble, sorry!