A few quick things before I head to bed:
1. Last weekend, Master said something along the lines of "you aren't so much of a slave as you are a submissive girlfriend". I don't really understand if it was just a casual observation with no underlying insinuations, an indication that he was happy with the way things were turning out, or a note to himself that he wanted me to be more of a 'slave'. But he appeared to be happy with me at the time so I didn't really think too much about it. However, he is constantly saying that he is too lenient with me, and that he thinks he should be more strict. I'm all for him doing what makes him happy. Inevitably, I have my preferences about how I'd like to be treated, but I also realize that while he must meet my basic needs, I don't want this relationship to be centered on my desires. Through retrospective analysis of his comment, I realized that I just want him to be happy. I just want to be the girl he wants me to be.
2. I have a urinary tract infection. I suspected it slightly on the weekend, because my morning urine was cloudy and smelled funny, and I kept getting sudden and urgent needs to pee (I was even whipped for interrupting sex twice: once to pee and once when we were in position that pinched my legs in a way that made my pelvis hurt). Yesterday, I had to go to the toilet constantly, but attributed it to the copious amounts of water that I had been drinking. Today, however, I didn't drink nearly as much but have been peeing just as frequently. However, with less fluid intake, peeing is now accompanied by painful burning and blood involvement. I've never had a UTI before but know it can be common after lots of sex. I'm trying to prevent it from getting worse with water and cranberry juice. If I need antibiotics, then the infection is probably bad enough that I shouldn't be having sex, especially since the antibiotics interfere with the absorption of my birth control pill anyway. I guess this serves me right for being such a needy, begging slut last weekend...and I suppose I will have a lot of oral practise this weekend.
3. I am a lucky girl. I have a really good Master. Yes, a Master, not just a dominant boyfriend. If he wants more from me, he can have more from me.
I recently had a discussion with a close female friend about her boyfriend's obsession with anal sex. Every time a girl acts up, he jokes that the girl deserves to be taken anally to be put in her place. These are pretty graphic words coming from a subdued, nonviolent, vanilla guy. My friend told me that despite being in love with him, she had no desire whatsoever to be taken anally. I told her that this was exactly the point: anal is a submissive act. I told her that if she wanted to give him something for the sheer sake of making him happy, without any benefit to her, she should reframe her thoughts and consider trying it. She pondered it for a bit and told me that she would be open-minded.
This made me feel like a complete hypocrite because not only have I been very negative towards anal play, I also had a giant breakdown when Master tried to put a butt plug in me. Granted, this was the day I got back from my trip and had a general breakdown, so that skews the entire experience. However, preaching submission to vanilla folks has made me realize that I am ready to put Master's pleasure ahead of my fears and try this whole anal thing again. I won't lie, I not-so-secretly hope that he hates it and doesn't want it, but if he doesn't...and he ends up loving it, I'll take comfort in knowing that he is happy. And instead of whining and frowning, I will try to smile and be a good, little slave.