Monday, September 15, 2008

Notes

Sex

- I’ve come to enjoy sex immensely. To the point that I am reduced to begging for it like a little slut: grinding my hips against Master, humping his leg, kissing his neck and ears, rubbing my breasts along his chest, while skimming my hands over his torso and stomach, until he flips me onto my back and fucks me. We had sex so many times this weekend that I lost count. Each position has its unique charm but I’m now fascinated with new discovery of spooning. I’m not actually sure how it is for Master but it’s pretty awesome for me; good stimulation of the frontal wall of the vagina, cuddling, lots of breast and clit action. Master told me that he’ll reserve that for when I’ve been a good girl. Sex, in general, just seems to get better and more comfortable with practice.

- I would like to figure out how to make myself climax just so I know that it’s possible through sex, and so Master can actually control my orgasms—as opposed to my simply being unable to do it. I’d also like to be able to tell when Master is about to come; physically it doesn’t feel different at all when he is reaching climax. Perhaps eliminating the condoms will help.

- I like spooning because it is so gentle…but I also like when Master is really rough. I test him a little bit; I try to move my hands when he’s pinning me down to see if he’s really serious about holding me in place. Recently, I’ve been raising my hips a lot when he’s fucking me on my back—which I’m not allowed to do—to see how he reacts. Yesterday was good, he grabbed my hair and pulled my head back and choked me with his other hand, and fucked me hard as he told me to be his doll and to stop moving. I was hoping he would slap me during sex but he knows I like that, so I think he tries to avoid it.

Pain

- I’m pretty sure I don’t like too many types of pain, but I like roughness, anticipation and feeling controlled. I think these are all confounding factors that contribute to my getting wet every time Master hurts me. Usually spankings come with being pushed into a corner, or thrown against the table, or pulled across Master’s lap and held there. I like the fact that I don’t really like the pain, but I still have no choice about what is to come. I like that Master can hurt me or do whatever he likes with me. I think it’s definitely a mix of factors that get me so wet during punishment. However, I don’t think the pain itself is what arouses me.

- That being said, while certain types of pain are really frightful for me, some can be okay. For instance, I hate stingy pain, ie. from rapidfire spankings, the flogger after about 10 strokes, ruler, wires, the cane…anything that really snaps back, since the momentum stings and burns. I hate pinching pain, mainly the clamps on my breasts and lips of my vagina. However, I do like the duller, heavier sort of pain from slower spankings, where the hand seems to sink in deeper into the flesh and doesn’t reverberate so quickly or even the first, lighter touches of the flogger where the body of the lashes fall, before their tips snap at my skin. I think the place is important too. There are certain areas of my bum that feel good when being smacked. However, hitting the same spot repeatedly obviously hurts. Hitting the less fleshy areas along the sides of my bum and my thighs and calves hurt terribly. My breasts are absolutely terrified of any pain. Context is also important. I like being put into my place, but don’t like it if Master is terribly upset with me. I’d rather be hit for no reason, just because Master knows he can, then have done something bad.

- The cane is awful. Three hard smacks can make me cry. Even when Master is trying to be playful, the lighter taps from it begin to hurt very quickly, just because it’s such a dense material , with a highly concentrated force. At the lighter strokes of the flogger—where the lashes fall as a group and it’s more difficult to discern the edges of each lash—and the full palm spanks, the force is distributing over a larger area and is therefore far more tolerable. However, I can definitely see how the flogger can be bad with heavier, faster strokes. It seems like anything can be be good or bad depending on how it’s used: it’s all about timing, pattern, area, and energy.

Domestic things

- I was initially very resentful about the idea of domestic work. I still can’t foresee doing everything in a long-term relationship because one person doing all the work—especially when both parties are working full-time jobs—is unrealistic, impractical and straining. That being said, I don’t mind it now because I don’t have a job, I have time to wait on him, I can appreciate how hard Master works and think he should relax, and above all, I really like him. If I didn’t care about him so much, I would definitely protest domestic work and would probably require force to do it.

- We’ve been developing routine and slowly working out a stable dynamic. It’s good, it’s comforting, it’s happy. I feel less and less like I have to establish an understanding of baseline normalcy to compare this relationship to. I don’t really care as long as we are both happy. And I’m assuming that unless Master is correcting me and telling that he is not, then we are for now, both content with how things are working out.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I found your link at the collegebdsm group on livejournal. I'm working on my pHD and from the way you write i sense you could be doing something science-y too.

Anyway, my Dom and I are engaged and living together. He works full time. If I am off, I cook dinner, and clean, and throw clothes into the washing machine. But when I have long lab hours, he tends to help out so I don't have to do everything when I get home. I think a good Dom will compromise and you don't have to worry about domestic issues, it's always give and take.

But I read through your journal, and reccomend that you actually read through it again. Your feelings sound like they ahve changed a lot and your Dom sounds very caring. I wish the both of you the best.

-G

dethas said...

I've been following your journal for a while now - a silent reader. I am a 'once upon a time' submissive. "Unfortunately" for me, the man I fell in love with and married in the end was not a dominant in the slightest and so I live in a vanilla relationship.

Your journal fills me with longing and joy, and I find myself reliving my own memories through your words.

Long may your journal continue, and therefore my vicarious life!

Anonymous said...

As the Master of this girl, I must state that once this beautiful speciman is at work full time, her domestic responsibilities will be shared by both of us.

Of course, she already knew this, but wanted to have Master put it in writing. She will be playfully punished for such ridiculous thoughts, and pushing me into answering it for all..

Miss you girl.. See you soon.

BZero said...

Going back and re-reading old entries brings back fond memories of my own. It's so much fun to train a virgin who is an eager learner... that new WOW! energy is uniquely wonderful. Again, your Master is a lucky man. B^)