Master picked me up on Friday night and brought me to his to place to get ready. Then we headed out again. He went into a bar to meet his friends as I waited in his car. Then, at his signal, I entered the scene and he picked me up again.
Essentially, Master had a social event with his friends that night. Prior to the actual evening, he had made a bet with his friends that he would pick up a pretty girl that night and get her to do a few things, like have her bum spanked. Of course, I was recruited to be said girl. In order to deflect suspicion, Master and I had discussed a good set-up in advance, givin me time to get into character.
So, when Master called me and told me to come to the bar, I put on a coy smile and entered the venue. Though I noted him out of the corner of my eye, I glided past his friends and him, without a hint of acknowledgement or recognition. I slid through the crowd, until I found a pocket of a empty space, where I ordered a drink. Then I played with my cell phone, as if expecting a text or a call from my friends, until Master and his entourage made his way over to me.
Master was pretending to be very tipsy. He started to tell me that they had been talking about me and discussing my ethnic background. His friends looked mortified that he was acting so rambunctiously and asking me abrasive questions. Initially, I acted very cold and stand-offish. Everytime he made a motion to come closer to me, or even brush a hand against my arm, I stepped away quickly and scowled at him. In fact, I was so taken aback by and unimpressed with him, that his friends had to step in quite a few times to 'save me'. They kept apologizing for his unruly behaviour. However, they did tell me that Master was actually a really great guy and that he was just a little drunk. I kept reassuring them that while I wasn't impressed, I could see that he was harmless and to not worry.
Because I told them that I was from out-of-town and that I was supposed to meet my friends but had mixed up the venue and didn't know the city well enough to wander around, their group was receptive to keeping me company for the night. Master kept wandering back and forth between assorted peers, and then to flirt with me. Initially, I kept an arm-length's away but tried to show progressive, gradual interest over the course of the night. It was interesting for me though, because while Master was socializing, I got to talk to his friends, who were willing and ready to offer up stories about him. Learning about his friends, and their perception of Master, gave me some interesting insight.
I really like Master in isolation, but it is difficult to gauge someone's personality until you see them around their friends. I was relieved because even through the play-acting, I saw some Master's social personality come out and it was pretty much what I expected. In addition, his friends did end up vouching for his character--even though they all looked like they wanted to crawl up in a hole and die, everytime he opened his mouth and said something awful to me--ND this showed me that he is a well-liked character.
Master really kept up his act and despite our gradually depeening flirtation, kept "forgetting my name". In his friend's eyes, he seemed very flaky. One minute he would be calling my beautiful and trying to dance with me, and the next minute he would leave me with some of his friends to chat with, as he ran away to talk to someone new. Obviously, I knew it was an act, but his friends could not fathom why I was starting to show interest in him when he appeared to be so fickle in his interect and kept ditching me.
At the end the night, I went home with Master. This baffled his friends. In their eyes, I went from initially recoiling at his advances, freaking out everytime he even tried to touch me and giving him the dirtiest looks whenever he said something crude...to practically eating out of his hand at the end of the night--dancing with him, being kissed by him, letting him touch my ass and lead me around. Absolutely baffled. They seemed to be congratulating him as I left the bar with him; no one was really being subtle with their amazement. It was hilarious.
Of course, not everyone approved. One of Master's friends was a bit older and thought I was a dear, sweet, young thing. He had a talk with me at the end of the night, telling me that even though my friends ditched me in a strange citythat I was too nice a girl to tolerate being degraded and humiliated and treated like crap by a random drunken stranger. He was so concerned for my well-being that he didn't think I should be subjecting myself to Master's behaviour. Of course, I told him how much I appreciated his advice and concern, and he seemed flattered. Then he gave me the dirtiest look ever, when Master sauntered over after a long dissapearance and told me he was going home...and I accepted taking a ride with him. Apparently, this friend talked shit about me afterwards and said I had acted very slutty. I really wish that conversation hadn't happened. I really don't like it when people worry about me; and I really don't like that it spurred this guy to shit-talk Master.
Aside from that though, I thought the whole thing was highly amusing. Master had a great time and continued to build up onto his legendary status among his friends.
I enjoy play-acting and social experiments (my friends and I often set up social experiments to test people's reactions) but I feel a little bad about setting up Master's friends. However, Master was happy, so I embraced his mood and didn't let other things bothers me.
We went home afterwards and were both tired, so he undressed me and put me in my cuffs and collar, and he allowed me to sleep in his bed with him. This is a great honour for me, to be allowed to sleep alongside him, to have him hold me, so that I feel so tiny and helpless and well, his. He always tells me he can't keep his hands off me. I can't keep my hands off of him either (when they aren't bound or pinned or ordered to be kept in a certain place). I want to hold his hand all the time, I try to hold him when he's asleep (which I probably shouldn't do because I think it disrupts his sleep...and will likely get me banished from the bed). I want to be with him all the time. I want to be his. I find myself just staring at him sometimes...I can't help it. It's maddening, absolutely maddening, to not be around him. Or when I'm with him, and turned away from him and I'm not allowed to even look at him. I wish I had a frame of reference, so I could know if this was all normal or not, because I'm slipping away so quickly and it's exhilarating and frightening all at once.
Saturday was spent hanging out with Master. It was a bit of a lazy day because it takes us so long to do anything. Waking up, is always a process that takes a few hours. Starting at dawn, it's marked with us slipping in and out of sleep, and in the moments of waking consciousness, peppered with cuddling, kissing, licking, nuzzling and Master biting, fondling, teasing me, pulling me in and out of positions that are comfortable for him. We fall asleep with our legs tangled, my arms knotted in his...then we wake up and shift...then repeat for hours. It's a torturous, taunting sleep but I can't help but enjoy it. He drives me crazy. My favourite position is when we're spooning; he's behind me and I'm tucked into his body. I can feel his hard penis on my bum, my back against his chest, my head tucked under his chin. Sometimes he pins one of my arms behind me, so that it's wedged between my back and his chest. He wraps one of his arms around my breasts and another around my neck and he squeezes tight, so that I can barely breathe. In the moment though, I feel like don't even need air, just his warmth. Goodness, I feel so giddy and gushy and girly right now. I'm writing in aliteration, which is sound indication that I'm loosing my mind.
Anyway, we showered together, which I can see is a favoured activity of his. I can't complain either, I thoroughly enjoy him bathing me, his hands lathering me. I love to explore his body with handfuls of foamy soap. Then, we watched a few episodes of the The Wire as I massaged him or he cuddled me, and then went grocery shopping. Of course, thanks to fine writers of the show, Master practised his ghetto-speak the entire time, and went on randomly binges of profanity. So here's a big thank you to good folks at HBO, for inspiring a day filled with "why you be all up in ma grill, dumbass mothafuckas". After groceries, Master took me on a tour of the neighbourhood where he grew up.
Hearing about childhoods make me feel nostalgic. There's something so magical about childhood; it's so short, it makes up a tiny percentage of our entire life, and yet, it shapes our very personality. Even small events, which would have no bearing on us if they occured in the semming-perpetuity of our adult lives, can change a child's entire perception of the world and turn the child into a different person. For this reason, I find that delving into people's childhood gives you that much better an appreciation of the adult. So, it was very interesting to me to hear childhood stories, to see where he grew up, and to see the clever, excitable child in his eyes.
Later on, he got me to pick up some photo albums he had left with a previous girl he used to date. Leafing through the albums evoked more nostalgia and some really, really adorable pictures of him. I really like learning more about him and I'm so happy and honoured that he is sharing parts of his life with me.
Between running a few errands and eating, we spent much of the day at home, just playing around. At one point, he blindfolded me and bent me over a chair and tied my wrists, and taped my thighs to each leg of the chair. Then, he lifted up my dress and inserted anal beads into my ass and dripped hot candle wax onto my back. When he was done, he shoved an ice cube into my cunt and as the water melted and dripped onto the floor, he told me that he was going over to a friends and that he would leave me tied up for a few hours. Like a good slave, I said "Yes, Master" and he kissed me on the head, and I heard the front door open and close. I couldn't help but just yelp to myself when I thought I was alone. The position wasn't awful; as far as being tied up and immobile goes, I was doing okay. But the thought of being alone like that made me a little miserable.
However, after a few minutes, Master quietly came to me and removed my blindfold; he had just been playing with my mind. With my vision back, he showed me that he had tied my knots fairly loosely and that I could get out of them. He challenged me to get out of them, and started to spank me until I got out. He wasn't very brutal with his spankings, but it did give me motivation to work the cords away and pull the tape off from my thighs. It's a weird sensation being spanked with something up your bum too.
Anyway, as far as the anal stuff goes...I have had fantasies about being taken up the bum before. Master explained the rationale subsequently; that it is the ultimate Dom fantasy because there is nothing in anal penetration that is particularly pleasant or rewarding for a female sub. She is just at Master's disposal. And he put into words the context of my previous fantasies. Of course though, in most of my fantasties...I am jsut a third party watching a Dom/sub couple because I like to detach myself from fantasy and not actually imagine thing sbeing done to me. I feel like even in fantasy, that makes me too vulnerable. So yes, fantasizing seems to be very different from the harsh reality of life. As much as I wish to please Master, my desire to serve him does not yet outweight my dread and fear for things being shoven up my rectum. Nevertheless, hearing the context from his mouth, has actually made me wish to please him more and opened my mind--if not my poor bum--to the thought of anal training for his pleasure.
Later that night, were actually supposed to go out to a fetish event but he didn't really feel like and I was exhausted, so we ended up watching tv and I just fell asleep in his arms. It was pretty early in the night, but for some reason I was feeling dehydrated and drained, that despite my efforts to stay awake, I ended up zonking out.
After napping for a little while, I woke up to a wretched, all-consuming feeling of anxiety. I felt like I was lying in a giant pool of thick foam and I was sinking into it slowly. I felt like the foam was growing around me and slowly engulfing me and climbing over my body as my own weight drove me into it's depths. Initially, I told myself in my head that the matress was jsut sinking. We had broken Master's bed a couple of weeks earlier and he had patched it up...so in my head, I just justified to myself that the bed was just sagging in one spot and that everything was okay. Then I felt a deep pain in my chest, like someone was sitting on me and physically crushing my heart, and I felt very short of breath and unable to move or breathe. I was frozen for a little while and panicking in my head, but I've had panic attacks in the past, and knew that I jsut had to force myself to breathe and consciously tell myself to wake up. I woke up, gasping and teary-eyed.
Master was just turning off the lights and getting ready to go to bed himself, and noted the tears. I told him it was nothing...so he laid down beside me and petted me, before turning his back to me so that he could sleep. Anyway, I couldn't stop feeling so unsettled so I curled up into his back, and put my head into his neck. I couldn't help it, but the tears started to pour out and he woke up, a little taken aback. He had been nothing but kind and gentle the entire weekend; he had not beaten or punished me, or treated me poorly (not that he ever does) so there was absolutely no reason for me to be crying. But somehow, with thunder booming in the background and rain drumming against the windows, I could not help but just cry and cry, without being able to find the words to explain myself. I think a less patient dom would have smacked me for being so childish and silly; for not even trying to explain what I was feeling. But Master held me, and as if reading my thoughts, told me to stop worrying about the future and tried to dispel the very insecurities I've been feeling about our relationship.
I haven't had a panic attack in years. I've been emotionally stable, psychologically fulfilled, mentally content...so when I woke up feeling like that last night, I was seriously thinking...what the fuck?
But I guess it's just my body's way of freaking out sometimes. I've never fully recovered from the devestation of a highschool ex comitting suicide, and for this reason, the idea of relationships really bug me. At first I thought it was handling the whole dom/sub dynamic that was bugging me...but now I see that it's just the general fear of being dependant on anyone other than myself; and the fear that I wiill somehow end up hurting the other person, as well as myself. I worked in health crisis center for a few years subsequently, to try to ease the guilt and justify to myself that I was making a difference, even though I had screwed up in the past. It helped in a way, but seeing how so much distress, anguish, fear, and even the desire to stop living, was rooted in problems with relationships--with the difficult changes in going from being alone, to dependant on another, to being alone again--made me fear relationships very, very deeply.
Now, I'm a logical person, I understand this is just a case of being exposed to a sample with limited generalizability...but whatever I do to convince myself logically, sensibility still overrules. I think being in any relationship, vanilla, kinky, otherwise, would freak me out. Being with Master however, freaks me because I see the potential for major dependancy to occur. Well, actually, that's probably the entire point of the D/s dynamic...to achieve that level of dependance and thus, intimacy. I know I need to get over these fears, but it is difficult because they affect me on an entirely different plane than logic.
In additon, Master told me earlier in the day that he thought I was ready to have sex...and because he thought I was ready, it would no longer be in my hands, but rather, he'd determine when and where. I was hesitant but told him that this was okay, that I was willing to be his.
The hesitation is not from the act of intercourse itself. I got my birth control. I need him to go get STI tested, on principle...and I need to hear the results eventually, but at this point I don't even need to wait to get them back. I jsut want him to do it because although I trust him, I am vigilant about my health and refuse to be a hypocrite and not practise what I preach. Anyway, the act itself doesn't bother me. He is my Master, and it's going to happen with him. It's just the timing that worries me.
We are each going away for the summer and I can't think of anything worse than have him fuck me, and then leave. Even if it temporary distance, and even though I'm going away too, it still feels too unsteady for me to deal with. I know that cirucumstances change very quickly, and I have some insecurities because of this realization of how volatile life can be. A lot can change in a month and a half. I believe him when he tells me that I am special to him now. I don't doubt it, but I also don't doubt that things change. I've seen people fall in love and get engaged within a month. I've seen people at their lowest peak transcend to the highest, and vice versa, within the course of a month. Things change. It's not that I don't trust him...it's that life is so unpredictable and I don't want to be shortsighted. I don't think I will be emotionally stable if he fucks me right before we're apart for such a long period of time.
It's all so bloody frustrating. It's immeasurably frustrating that I think so much, that my body and my heart and my emotions are all at odds with each other. I'm not too worried about
our relationship for the short-term, after we get back from summer. I have a flexible schedule. I don't go to classes, and even if I decide to start going, I still have weekends. All it takes for this to work in the forseeable future is time-management and that's not usually a problem for me. Master talked about this to me and we both want this to work out, so the action-plan for September all seems very reasonable.
Nonetheless, I couldn't help but be overwhelmed last night and irritated that my own body was reacting against me. I'm okay now. Things should be okay. I will see Master again this upcoming weekend. Life is going to be okay. I will just continue to reassure myself and stop stressing myself out.
On a lighter note, I also have a small confession. I like when Master slaps me. Well, not the really hard, heavy hitting, full-palm slaps...but the briefer, stingier ones from the palm up and across my lower cheek and mouth. Weirdly enough, these slaps make me feel like I am so owned by him without making me feel like he is angry with me and trying to punish me.