Monday, June 30, 2008

The Earth Laughs in Flowers


This weekend, I lost my virginity to Master.

I thought it would change everything; that it would change me.

It didn't.

In my head, I thought it would be like crossing over from the land of innocence and naivety, of rainbows and unicorns, into a world illuminated with a harsher light. In reality, there is no difference. The colour of the world, our relationship, my expectations, and my feelings towards Master are exactly the same.

My primary theory for this lack of trauma is that the act of submission was more important to me than sex itself. For many vanilla couples, sex represents the height of physical and emotional intimacy. Partners feel exposed because often this is the only time they are physically exposed and emotionally vulnerable. If I was in a vanilla relationship, the first-time act of intercourse would represent the most vulnerable I would ever be in the entire context of that relationship. Without the openly-stated power distribution of a D/s dynamic, first-time sex could also be confusing due to uncertainty about roles and expectations. However, I knew that sex in the D/s context (at least in the first-time setting where Master had promised to be gentle with me) would not be the height of my vulnerability. There are so many other ways in which Master may and likely will challenge me. There are already times where I have felt completely helpless around him, so I didn't feel like sex was the first time I was opening myself up to Master. At the point where I felt I was ready for it, I merely saw it as a natural progression to an already established power dynamic.

Today, I still feel perfectly normal about everything. I've been turbulently emotional in recent days, and yet this recent state of duress did not exacerbate my post-coital emotion. The act of intercourse itself was fine: no pain, discomfort or bleeding, with minimal mechanical issues. Emotionally, I was fine. I teared up a little...but I have sobbed many times around Master for lesser things, so I didn't see this as extraordinary.

When I get back, Master has guarenteed that he will be taking me whenever he wants and how he pleases. I look forward to learning and being used by him in whatever way he sees fit.


On Friday, I got to his house, and as per instructions, knelt on a cushion by the door and waited for an hour until he got home. When he returned, he blindfolded me, lay me on the bed then covered me with chocolate sauce and whipped cream before he proceeded to sensually lick the sweetness from my breasts, my stomach, my cunt. We kissed--cute, silly kisses among mouthfuls of foamy cream. However, interspersed with this tenderness were two plastic clothespegs, with a firm, tight grip that he continuously clamped, unclamped and twisted my nipples with. Sometimes our mouths met in laughter, and other times, his mouth crushed upon mine in moments where I parted my lips to moan in agony.

After he was done, he took me into the shower to clean me off. Then, he showed me the surprise that he had gotten: a thin black collar that fit snugly around my neck and a little pet tag inscribed with 'Slave X owned by Master Y' (X,Y=our initials). I thought this was sweet, and he told me that I should put the tag on my keychain and keep it with me while I'm travelling in the summer, so I can think of him. He also gave me the assignment of wearing the collar in Europe and snapping pictures of myself--collar on--at famous destinations.


Later that day, we went to the mall, and he shopped a bit. While he was trying stuff on, he instructed me to enter the changeroom with him. He got me to kneel on the ledge, and hold things for him as he was changing. Then, after playing with my bum for a bit, he quite unexpectedly forced an unlubricated finger up my ass. Because of the relative ease of getting anal beads in my ass on previous days, this was surpringly painful sensation. So much so, that I kept complaining as we walked back to the car. Before I got into the passenger's seat, he told me not to frown when discussing anal training, and spanked me a few times in the parking lot. I would love it if we were in some public place where we were both guarenteed not to know anyone, and if I was mishaving, he would just throw me against the wall and spank me in front of everyone. I think we have determined that I am a little bit of an exhibitionist.

In the evening, Master went out with his friends and I cleaned his apartment. I don't view myself as domestic at all (ie. I don't cook, or clean, or wait upon others) and so, there was a natural conflict inside of me, between wanting to do a good job and please him, and being annoyed that I was being left all alone to clean while he went out to have fun. I finished around 7pm and Master wasn't home yet, like he said he would be, so I started getting a bit anxious.

I curled up on some pillows on the floor, since he told me I wasn't allwoed to use the furniture and watched some tv (which he said was okay) as I waited for him to come home.


Around 9.30pm, Master came to get me, and take me out with his friends. These are the friends that witnessed him "picking me up from a bar" the week prior, so they continued to be astounded that we were still seeing each other and assailed me with questions. Master also continued to degrade me, which floored his friends because he'd make sexually-innapropriate remarks to me, and instead of being apalled, I would just laugh and go along with them. There were moments, of course, where my pride would kick in and the humiliation would hit a nerve. In those moments, I'd experience glimpses of resentment for essentially waiting for his advent at home like an eager, little puppy only to be taken out just to be portrayed as a bit of a slut to his friends. However, I think that's probably my job to overcome that pride since, where strangers or casual friends are concerned, all that matters is what he thinks of me.


On Friday, Master told me to tell him why I liked him. I couldn't verbalize anything, but here's my retrospective list, the many seeds:


I think Master is so handsome when he's not smiling and adorable when he is-- I wish he'd smile more often. I never tell him this though. I don't tell him that his eyes are amazing, or that his lips are beautiful, or how much I enjoy the curve of his back, his sculpted ass, his slim but athletic build.

Mastery of himself

You cannot be a Dom, cannot control another person, if you cannot control yourself. I hate people who deal with frustration, anger and inadequacy by projecting their weaknesses on others, finding flaws in everything, failing to see their own weaknesses, and using uncontrolled techniques like shouting-matches, to inflate their own sense of self-worth.

Master has impeccable control. He has a good understanding of himself and his thoughts and emotions. He doesn’t get angry. If I disobey, he explains and punishes, but is always in absolute control of himself. Not only would I not respect a man without this kind of control, I would downright not feel safe in the hands of someone who would beat me senseleslessly in his anger. There is a big difference in administering a controlled beating as punishment versus getting extremely worked up and just pummeling a slave without really thinking. It is because of his self-control, that I trust in his control of me.


As an extension of the above, Master is very patient. He has put up with my sexual inexperience. He repeats commands if I legitimately don't hear them, he explains things when I don't understand. He can sense when I am having difficulty with a task and is willing to teach me.


Master has a clear sense of self. Not everyone gets to understand themselves, and depending on one's stage of life, this understanding can falter. However, it is important to know oneself to stay consistent in one's convictions. In addition, self-understanding manifests in true self-confidence and not the facade of self-confidence that many cocky people put on as a front. Master appears to have a good understanding of himself. There is still much for me to learn about learn about how his life experiences have influenced the person he is today. But even with an incomplete picture, one can see that he his a good understanding of himself, his past, who he is now. There are so many people who never seem to come to terms with who they are, so I do admire him for this.


I see a lot of people with wasted potential; people who don't try, who don't hone their skills or foster their interests. Those who live life with a sense of mediocrity. I could never, ever submit to a man like that. I would have no respect for him. Master, on the other hand, is a man of many talents. It is becoming more and more apparent to me that he is naturally very athletic and intelligent, but while he is confident in his skills, he does not just take them for granted but also puts them to use. When I first saw how confident he was, I was initially skeptical because as I mentioned before, a lot of weak people put on a facade of cockiness to disguise their insecurities. It seems though, as I get to know Master, that confidence comes from real skill and talent and legitimate self-assurance, and this continues to increase my respect for him. In addition, I find that untalented people, or moreso, people who waste their potential, get very jealous of talented people. While my talents do not necassarily overlap with Master's, I do consider myself to have a lot of good skills, and I find when people are not secure with their own sucesses they can easily become resentful of those who are using their skill. Since Master and I have different skillsets, but are both well-rounded, intelligent people, I can respect him and he can appreciate who I am without ever feeling undermined.


For the most part, Master cracks me up. I don't always get his sense of sarcasm but for the most part, he can make me laugh.


It's probably a mix of well roundness and humour, but Master is interesting. He's interesting when he's telling a story but he's also interesting to watch and observe and learn about. He's my current enigma and I'm trying to piece the puzzle together slowly. He likes to mix things up, keep me on my toes. He's an interesting man, multi-faceted, many-layered, and I'm so happy to have met him and to get to know him even more.


This trait, extending beyond the world of bdsm, fits into it when he suddenly starts seeing unobtrusive objects used in daily living as instruments of torture.


Master has a good concept of fantasy versus reality. He takes time to understand what I am capable of, so that he can challenge but not actually hurt me. He hits himself on the arm with the ruler before beating me with it. He put the clothespegs he pinned me with on his lip and fingers. He was bent over the other day and told me to smack him (so weird, felt so wrong to me). And yes, he is by no means experiencing the same sensation of the ruler slashing my breasts and thighs, or those clothespegs pulling my nipples, or the humiliation of being bent over and exposed and spanked...but I do appreciate his little doses of maintaing humanity and not trying to completely objectify me. He sometimes thanks me for completing an order and I appreciate that.


Master is reasonable and fair. For the most part, he doesn’t try to trap me just so that he can punish me. He has admitted to wanting me to slip up, so he can humiliate me…but I mean, at least he’s open about it. He lays rules out. He doesn’t expect me to follow rules that have never been made.

An example:

The other day he went out around noon and told me he’d be back at around 5:00pm. I was feeling so lonely, especially after being left alone after being intimate for the first time, so when a friend called me at 12:30pm and wanted to have lunch, I thought it was a good way to pass time. I removed my wristcuffs to go out. Now, there is a rule that I must always put them on when I am at his place, unless told otherwise, but nothing really about what happens when I leave.

However, before he left me he did tell me that I had free reign. After I had decided to go out with my friend, it did cross my mind to call him and ask him if I was even allowed to go out and to make sure I know for certain what time he’d be home, so I could back on time. It did cross my mind to ask about expectations with my wristcuffs and collar, but I figured that he had ballparked a time of arrival and given me free reign, so I figured I should be okay with a quick meeting with a friend sans writcuffs.

So, I took off the wrist cuffs (kept the collar on) and went on my merry way. The first thing I told my friend was that I should be back at home by 5:00, since Master would get home then (we’ve discussed bdsm at length before, so I gave her glossed over explanation of our Dom/sub dynamic when she asked specific questions after noting my collar). Nonetheless, instead of a quick lunch, we somehow we just ended up having this huge heart-to-heart and she ended up confessing to me all this stuff that was going on in her life. I was keeping track of the time, and my heart was seriously palpitating because I didn’t want to cut her off, but I didn’t want to not be home when Master was getting back. Especially since I didn’t tell him what I was up to. I was really getting nervous because I thought I might upset him. I debated even leaving her to call him and explain…but she was really pouring her heart out, so I ultimately decided to not cut her off, and instead, tried to prepare myself mentally for the potential disappointment and punishment I would face when I got home.

Master called me at 5:15pm to see where I was. I told him I was with a friend and that I would come home soon. He said he’d see me later. I still felt a bit nervous, because he while he didn’t sound disapproving, he didn’t give approval either. My friend asked me to stay with her until 6:00pm, so I did, and then I headed back. Oh my goodness, anxiety just kept building in my chest on the train ride back. I sped walked from the subway to Master’s home because I couldn't take the anticipation.

When I got there, I knocked tentatively and Master was just lying down. He asked conversationally where I had gone etc. but wasn’t reproachful at all. I was so relieved. I think, but I’m not sure, that he felt bad for having to leave me at home earlier. I think he could tell that I was actually a little bit sad to actually be left alone, so I think that’s why he was okay with me going out. I think though, even if he hadn’t, if I had told him the story, he might have understood. But honestly, it was a huge relief, since my pulse was racing the entire way home. I really couldn’t bear the thought of upsetting him, especially when he had given me so much freedom, like permission to sit on the furniture etc.

However, I think that because of a mixture of reason, humanity, perception to my feelings, he was kind. I don’t know, but it made my heart swell with gratitude and appreciation and adoration…which is why I’m writing about it…because he would otherwise not know about the panic running through my head throughout that entire afternoon and my subsequent relief, when he requested I just kneel beside his bed, and he touched my face gently.

Now, later on in the evening, somehow I ended up in a situation where I was pinned down on the bed with his hand was firmly pressed against my throat. He asked me who had given me permission to remove the wrist cuffs. I was silent. I really thought I was in big trouble. He told me that I need to ask permission about removing them. I braced myself because I thought he was going to punish me...but after a pause (no doubt for dramatic effect)....he told me that he knew that I didn’t know, and that the rule had not been firmly established--though it was now--and that I must follow it for the next time.


Just a few things that I am having trouble with:

- I'm not really sure how to respond to questions at times. I usually go with the "whatever you want to do, Master" and sometimes I get a "no, I'm actually asking you to tell me what you think". Other times, when asked for an opinion, I'll give my answer, then be told that it's actually whatever Master wants. I get confused. I think sometimes when Master wants my actual opinion, he thinks I am very silly and indecisive. I can make decisions but I'm not entirely sure which is expected and when. I am perfectly fine taking his lead, leaving things up to him. I'm also perfectly fine making decisions. However, I have no idea when each approach is appropriate. It is also hard for me to switch to crtical thinking mode, when it's that highly analytical part of me that I often have to shut down so that I'm not resisting submission.

In general, I'm not sure whether I'm supposed to be an active or passive slave. The other day I gave him head and later on, Master complained that he was thirsty. He told me that I should have anticipated his thirst after he had lost so much fluid, and that I should have offered him some water. He told me that he didn't want a brainless slave. However, sometimes when I anticipate and asks him if he wants something done, he tells me to be quiet and just do as I'm told. I get confused. I'm not at the point where I can detect his exact frame of mind, and just know which way to act in the moment.

- Master's honesty sometimes unnerves me. He tends to point out physical imperfections on both other people and me. I'm pretty secure, I can handle honest criticism. However, while he mostly tells me very nice things that me blush...his occasional criticisms make me am I going to fix that for him? For example, he is not a fan of my feet. Now, I'm not really sure how serious this repulsion actually is but I'm not really sure how to improve them. Stretch marks? What can possible be done about those? Nothing! With aspects of my physical appearance that are not under my control to manipulate, I'm not really sure what I can do to improve the situation.

No comments: