Friday, March 27, 2009

Self-Reflection

I had an inappropriate emotional reaction last weekend. I am really embarrassed about it, but I will reflect on my behavior and explain my thought processes to Master.

The incident occurred while meeting Master’s best friend, X, for the first time. Master and X have been friends from childhood but they haven’t seen each other in a while. X has a wife: Y. We went out for dinner with X and Y, and then we went back to their place.

Y's conversations were centered around domestic life: the baby, family, the house, d├ęcor, organizing, cooking, cleaning etc. Whenever she mentioned some domestic task that she needed to attend to, Master would automatically chime and volunteer my services. Although he was joking, his persistent: “she’ll come over and clean for you whenever you want” really started to irritate me.

When Y noted that she hadn’t gone grocery shopping and didn’t have any food in the house, Master volunteered me to go with her to the store and help her pick up what she needed.

This is where I got really frustrated and worked up and my eyes started tearing up like a bratty, little child. Thank goodness no one but Master saw. He was, however, thoroughly perplexed by my reaction.

In retrospect, I know I overreacted, but for sake of explanation here are three reasons why this incident upset me so much:

1. I was annoyed by Master’s offering of my domestic services. My first thoughts jumped how he had 'no right' to do that; to offer me out to others, to reduce me to a maid. I felt devalued, embarrassed.
It took me a few breaths to regain my composure and evaluate the situation. I was upset at the time, but I later realized that I was overreacting. I have trouble obeying orders when they don’t align with my desires. However, I do realize that being an owned woman, means doing what Master wants. It’s easy when his commands are sexual in nature, or if I get gratification from a task; it’s harder when tasks are uncomfortable or inconvenient. However, as a submissive, I should not be allowed to pick and chose what I want to obey. Belonging to him means doing whatever he wants, even if I’m not thrilled about it.

Beyond this, I should be thrilled to serve him and obey him. Master is very good to me, and makes a lot of sacrifices and compromises for me. Even without the D/s dynamic, just within the context of a loving, vanilla relationship, I should be giving back to him with an open heart. I love him and a lot and want to please him, but to do that I must stop being self-centered and think more about serving him.

2. Alongside anger, I was upset by the fact that Master was sending me away from him. Prior to his offer of my assistance, I was sitting by his side. He was chatting to X, I was chatting to Y. I wasn’t interrupting his conversation, or being a nuisance. And yet, despite promises to keep me close that weekend (see previous post) he was very quick to dismiss me. Being in a particularly needy mood, this really upset me.

Later, when I looked at the situation from Y’s and Master’s point of views, I realized once again that I was in the wrong.

Y needed to get a few things from the grocery store. It would have been very rude of us to all stay behind, and let her go by herself. It would have made her feel isolated and, had I been in her shoes, I would have been annoyed. I was in a very selfish mood and wanted to stay close to Master but I should have actually volunteered myself—like a polite, well-mannered girl—instead of being told by Master. I was so focused on my need to cling to Master that my basic etiquette disappeared.

From Master’s perspective, Master and X hadn’t seen each other in a long time. If I had been thinking about Master’s needs, I would have realized that he might want some time to just chat with X. Going out to the store gave them the perfect opportunity to bond, while I bonded with Y. I realize that I should not cling to Master in order to fulfill my own need for attention, and that I should take more time to consider the needs of others.

3. I was frustrated about the concept of the men staying behind, and chatting, and relaxing, and watching sports while the women had to go out—baby in tow!—and do the domestic stuff. Master and X could have insisted that Y should just stay and relax, and that the groceries weren’t important at this very moment. Instead, they seemed perfectly happy with sending us on our way. I hate the idea of being relegated to women’s work. I also got a little freaked out by a hypothetical glimpse at our future: Master reclining on a chair, watching TV…perfectly oblivious to me as I fussed over a baby, and cleaned the house. Ugh. The imagery makes my skin crawl.

Anyway, I got over this one just by talking to Master and hearing him reaffirm his belief system about domestic life, reaffirming that he wants to be an involved husband and father. I have to realize that ordering me to do isolated domestic task does not mean that he will one day trap me in the house and refuse to let me do anything by cook, clean and have his babies.

I have to remember that there is a reason why Master and I get along so well; and it’s because we have similar core beliefs. I have to remember that the reason why I’m still submitting to him, is because I trust him to make good decisions for us and to act in our best interests. And it is in neither of our best interests to relegate me to the world of traditional women’s work and stop me from having a life beyond the home.

***

After we left X and Y’s place, Master asked me why I had gotten upset—asked me if he had said something inconsiderate. While Master’s words made me upset and frustrated, he was not in the wrong. It was me who was being hypersensitive and inconsiderate. I love him for not getting upset at me, for trying to tease out the reasoning behind my reaction, for wanting to make things better.

I love him an awful lot, so much that my heart swells just thinking of him. I am so ready to get back to serving him properly.

7 comments:

bluebell930 said...

I think that, as women, we process requests to do domestic work much differently than men - to the point that I think men can never completely understand (superficially, yes they can, but they have not been raised the same socially) - and it is greatly complicated by D/s (and M/s even more so) relationships. Furthermore, statistics say that even if both parents are working, women in general still end up doing more than half the housework & child care. So even though he is not going to force you to stay only in the house, its still something that could be upsetting, especially when you are already feeling moody.

yes, from an M/s perspective it was inappropriate. And I'm glad you've come to terms with this and were able to see his perspective. For me, being ordered to do something domestic would result in me totally freaking out so I respect you for being able to come to terms with it; regardless of how I feel about my Master, I just can't do it as I can't let go of those feelings.

his_new_pet said...

Thanks so much for the validation of my feelings...I really need it sometimes.

Yeah, the statistics scare me.

I know A LOT of older couples where the women work as much OR MORE then the men, and yet still cook, clean and are responsible for the kids.

The same was even true for my family and most of my friends' families growing up. I knew a lot of mom working longer hours than the husbands...and still dealing with 75% of the domestic work.

AND what pissed me off the MOST is that so many of the men took their wives for granted. SOOO many of them didn't realize the work their wives were putting it, and complained about how their wives were nags or perfectionists. So many complained behind their wife's back about their dissaproval with how she was running the household or raising the kids.

Well then, I thought to myself, why don't you play a more ACTIVE role instead of complaining about it but refusing to put in any semblance of work or effort.

If you are going to leave everything up to your wife in the first place...at least have some respect for what she does and be GRATEFUL. If you don't like how she is doing things, then help her out for goodness sake!

It just pisses me off so much.

I DON'T WANT MY LIFE TO TURN TO THIS! I want to be submissive, without being ignored or forgetten, or taken forgranted, or made to pick up slack just because my husband is indifferent or lazy. :(

Hopefully, this will not happen to Master and me.

Anonymous said...

oh god, i fucking hate men sometimes.

my parents worked the same hours but my dad came home and would be, all like i'm so tired, i worked such a hard day, i'm so hungry. and my mom would have to fix dinner...and she never complained about how tired she was and somehow, even with the same hours she still found time to come to my school stuff while my dad missed every single one of my choir performances, even when i had the big solo.

im new to this whole submissive thing and sometimes i think i just learned it from my mom who just did everything she was told and let my dad trample all over her and not give a shit.

but yeah, you guys sound like you are okay just dont fall into a trap and let him get away with everything just because he is your master.

his_new_pet said...

I simply wanted my girl to get to know my best friends wife, (when I was not around), as since she has had a kid, you can't really get into a conversation with her within the home.

Sending her out was only to give her the opportunity to talk, since the wife would be FORCED to talk as she couldn't ignore my girl while in a car.

Moreover, there was no work for my girl to do, only to ride in the car and walk up a few aisles.

I was not thinking at all that my girl was going to be serving me domestically by going with my friend's wife. I just wanted her to chat.

Yes, my friend is very lazy in terms of the domestic work, and his wife knew this cultural thing going in, and knew what her role would be, and accepted it.

Lastly, I am employed working with children, don't have a recliner, and don't drink beer when at home. So notions that my girl will be slaving away at home on domestic chores while I sit around drinking or lazing are ridiculous. In fact, I think she will be prevented from playing with the kids because I love playing with kids, and will probably be doing such most of the time. She by the way knows this and was just being silly.

So while men deserve hating from time to time, in this instance, they don't.

Just to add to the above comment, my girl will let me get away with what I tell her to let me get away with. Which really isn't much.

My girl will have plenty of time near the end of April to get back into her routine. For now, I have attempted and allowed her to be free from such stresses created by her career training. This dual life is very difficult, but one of the billion reasons why I love this girl is that she does so well managing it.

Of course, she needs a little discipline and direction from time to time, which I think is the reason why she seeks one who gives her direction, and I seek one who requires it.

P.s.... This girl is incredible. Really. If you all could see her, her intelligence, her personality, and her virginal looks, you all would wonder how I got so lucky.

I wonder that all the time.

The Caged Songbird said...

I just found your blog and it's lovely to read about the experiences of another owned woman. I, personally, love doing housework for Daddy, and would not mind being lent out to a friend. However, I definitely identified with your reaction to being sent away from Him without having done anything wrong. That's the ultimate punishment for me. As far as unsavory tasks and being a submissive, I intend to continue to fulfill them the best I can as long as Daddy shows his appreciation. If I go too long unrewarded, all that feminist training is going to rear up in me!

I hope you check out my blog. You seem like a kindred spirit.

his_new_pet said...

Hi Caged Songbird,

Thanks for commenting, I will definitely check out your journal. Is there some way to "friend" you or something? I'm not very good with using blogger.

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I agree with what you said. It is the *ultimate* punishment to be sent away from him. It's really bad.

I think I should clarify about the domestic work. I'm ultimately fine with housework. I mean, the other day I was studying, and he was folding laundry on the floor. I didn't like that at all. I was surprised by how much I didn't like seeing him work.

When I'm not busy, I don't mind tidying and keeping things clean, and making sure things are done. It's actually nice to tidy for him, and have him come home to a clean place and not have to worry about doing it himself.

However, I think the whole domestic thing freaked me out because I don't like the idea of indifference. And from experience, it seems like some men dump everything on their significant others and don't think twice...even if these domestic things are taking their wife away from them. I don't like the idea of being neglected or overlooked or taken for granted.

Because of my rant in this post, I don't want Master to now think he's not entitled to be demanding. He should be able to tell me to do his laundry, or I wash his dishes. I just...I don't know...I just want him to want to spend time with me, more than he wants me to spend time on domestic things.

I don't know if that makes sense. Let me rephrase.

If he told me to clean his house while he watched tv, I wouldn't be as mad at the cleaning itself...as him ignoring me. If I had a choice, I would want him to help me (not just for ease of the chores themselves) but because we'd be done quicker...and his wanting to help me would indicate that he wants to spend more time *together*.

And I think that's what many women want in general...for their significant others to *want* to spend time with them. To *want* to help them because they care for them.

I really, really have no problem with the idea of taking care of Master and attending to his needs. But say I had a really long, bad day at work...I would so, so, sooooo distressed if I came home and instead of wanting to sit with me for a while...ordered me into the kitchen right away.

Wow...that would be the ultimate punishment. :'(

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Okay, now this comment has turned into a rant. But thanks for your comment and your understanding. It may seem to needy to others, that being seperated from Master hurts and can be seen as punishment, but thank you for being able to relate. :)

goodgirl said...

I can relate to everything you've posted. I sometimes hate how needy and greedy I am. I know the theory - to serve as HE wishes, not only as I wish.

Thank you for this well-written and thoughtful post. It has served as a reminder to me of who and what I am... and what my place is.